Chasing A Dream

I wanted to be thin so badly, I was willing to risk my health to get there. I remember the day that I walked into a popular clinic, plopped a signed three hundred dollar check on the receptionist desk and waited to see the person that would make my dream of shedding the extra pounds a reality. I had convinced myself that this was okay for me to do. As I sat in the cozy waiting area I noticed a water station perched in the corner along with before and after pictures that served as the main décor of the otherwise white walls.

The people featured in the still photos seemed to have accomplished something I desperately wanted. As I looked at each and every picture I visualized my name next to Lost 80 pounds in just four short months! The pictures of all those smiling faces with bodies to be reckoned with solidified my decision. I was ready to make my own personal transformation.

I met with the ‘clinic staff’ and was asked to fill out forms and answer several questions about my current health status and the health history of my family as I knew it. The forms were completed and the doctor briefly viewed my responses and said that everything appeared to be fine.

He asked me how much weight I wanted to lose and I said around sixty to eighty pounds. To be quite honest, at the time, I just wanted him to hand over the prescription that I was there to get. I knew that anyone that had the money could get the medicine. He was simply going through the formalities that suggested that I had a thorough counseling session and examination. By the standards of most, the examination was something that any ten year old could have performed and the counseling session consisted of a list of general questions accompanied by a pamphlet and suggested meal plan. This was yet another feat that a ten year old could perform with almost, if not, the same vigor as the licensed professional that I was sitting across from.

At the time, I knew that I was not being examined by what most people would define as appropriate standards. Nevertheless, I was still convinced hat the two pills coined with the name of Phen- Phen would allow me to shed all of those unwanted pounds once and for all.

With that said, after the ten minute counseling session I was off to the pharmacy. I took the pills for about four months. I visited the clinic every two weeks for a routine check up (another joke) and follow up counseling sessions. These sessions were costly, but to me the money was all worth it. Besides, this was the only way that the doctor would honor refilling each monthly prescription.

After the first month I noticed that my heart would beat rapidly and that I would sometimes feel extremely anxious. Often times I felt the need to run or jog to shake the feeling off. When I mentioned this to the doctor, he said that this was a small price to pay to achieve my goals. Well, how long will I need to take the medicine? I asked. He said that I would be taking it on and off for the rest of my life. This was the first time that I felt the smallest inkling of defeat. For the rest of my life. This was not what I bargained for. Especially with the way the medication was making me feel. Was it really worth it? I continued to take the medicine, even after I began hearing the most dreadful reports.

People were dying and experiencing cardiovascular problems as a result of taking the very same medicine that I was willing to take daily. I tried to ignore what I was hearing on the news and even the warnings that I received from the pharmacy where I had the prescription filled. I concluded that I was finally on my way to getting the body that I’d always longed for. The weight was dropping off and I had an air of confidence that everyone seemed to notice. .

As more and more deaths were reported I began to feel increasingly uneasy. All of the symptoms that these people were experiencing before the onset of cardiovascular disease or in extreme cases death came remarkably close to the symptoms that I was personally experiencing as a result of taking the pills. What in the world set me apart from any of them? We were all chasing the same dream.

One day I realized that it was not worth it. I can’t say that this rationale came from a place within me because I was too caught up in my dream to even claim the ownership of such a sensible thought. It had to be the grace of God because for the longest time my only dream was to look in the mirror and see my svelte frame and gloat in all of its anticipated magnificence.

As God had his way, I continued to reluctantly acknowledge that this was not truly the answer. Not the right answer anyway. I knew that I was not dealing with the real issue. The pills were coating what I now classify as the symptoms of a greater beast. I was medicating my system with medicine that provided euphoric feelings and that deeply suppressed my appetite. I literally forgot about eating. Therefore, binging was a thing of the past and the feelings of euphoria that I felt more often than not masterfully overshadowed the emotional triggers such as stress and boredom that prompted my willingness to overeat.

In the end, the medication that I was told was completely safe was banned and is no longer allowed for distribution in the US (at least not legally) and my dream came to a devastating halt once the medication left my system. I gained my weight back plus a few extra pounds. This experience taught me one valuable lesson. Seeking perfection comes with a price that can sometimes prove deadly. And no, it is not worth it.